Nothing to plug in to Baby…………………

It is a little, and well hidden fact that before his recent and tragic departure from Jazz experimentalists/fusion terrorists “One Direction”, Zayn Malik had been making a film that explored the social disliocation and anxieties brought about my consumerism and singularism. FACT. 7minutes and 27 seconds in to “Life, you know, it’s always so gooood“, there is a scene that I strongly identified with yesterday as I stepped out of my car and in to my gym. In the film, our hero frantically pats downs his pockets, rips up his car seats and then smashes the first shop window he sees. I stomped around looked under my car seat three times and retraced my route from car to gym door and back whilst repeatedly grumbling the phrase “ohforfuckssakeyoustupidtit”. What had we done that brought our painful worlds so close together?

WE HAD LOST OUR HEADPHONES AND COULDN’T LISTEN TO OUR iPOD/PHONE!

Now, this may not be up there with losing a limb to gangrene or a loved one to the infinite loop of the IKEA monster, but it is a problem. For me, it had the following ramifications:

  1. I had to listen to “GYM MUSIC”. Gym Music, for the uninitiated or lazy, is always a combination or the worst musical excreta from the past 30 years that are guaranteed to burn your retinas, eviscerate your ear drums and make you hum the bloody thing for the rest of the day.
  2. I had no escape from having to listen to other people’s conversations on the train. Some people view the invention of portable music devices as the devil incarnate, the cause of social decline and the final nail in the coffin of the art of conversation. To me, these people need to listen to themselves on a train and then they would understand why I and many like me plug themselves in to their satanic devices. Why do we need to hear about your pustulated bunions or your daughter’s remarkable ability to build a Victorian folly whilst dancing the Charleston? IT IS NOT INTERESTING.
  3. I had to listen to the barrage of coughs, sneezes and other bodily fluids or organs about to be hacked up.
  4. And Worst of all, I had to listen to the hugely nauseating sound of other people’s rubbish music through what sounds like a Vole’s PA system.

When I am without them, I hate them just as much as the rest of the world. When I am with them, I love them. I am a hypocrite!

about to explode

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